Mighty Mjolnir
by OneSizeFitsAll
Summary: Various avengers try to pick up Thor's mighty hammer. Will any of them succeed?
1. Chapter 1

_A__uthor's Note: This is what happens when a crazy fan fiction addict is mad because Romanoff, Stark, Banner and especially Rogers weren't in Thor, and Barton only had a cameo. This story makes no logical sense whatsoever, and is completely pointless._

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><p><strong><span>Mighty Mjolnir<span>**

_by OneSizeFitsAll_

Chapter 1

Natasha Romanoff was mad. Mad was rather too tame a word for it. She was seething with anger. That was too cliche a phrase for it. Natasha could not remember the last time she was this angry.

The reason she was so angry that her thoughts dwelt on murder and/or suicide was that Agent Coulson had said something very nasty about Clint. Natasha would never allow herself to say, even to _think_, those horrible, wicked words! They were all lies and nonsense! Her poor, darling Clint! How dare Coulson say any such thing about him! Coulson was nothing but a big, fat fool, and he deserved to pay for saying something so false about such a noble, honourable man.

Oh, wouldn't he pay! Natasha would make him sorry for what he'd done! And she knew just how to do it.

Clint had told her in his email that SHIELD had found a strange satellite that had fallen to earth. He had told her of the unusual interest Coulson had shown in this object. And if Natasha had any sense at all, she could tell that Coulson would be very upset should it disappear.

Late one night, a black garbed figure crept across the SHIELD building site. Natasha had no trouble finding the satellite. The guards were easily taken care of with a few basic ju-jitsu moves, and then she was standing before it...a huge hammer set in the mud.

Clint had told her everything about it. He had told her how hundreds of men had come to the site and tried to pull it out of its place. He had told her how they all had failed. He had said it was too heavy to lift...either that, or it was stuck to the ground.

Natasha sniffed as she looked at the hammer. Men these days! Sure, the hammer was big, but only a weakling wouldn't be able to lift it. Wasn't there a single person in New Mexico who wasn't a weakling?

Of course there was. Her name was Natasha Romanoff. Natasha put her hand to the handle and pulled. There was a strange buzzing noise, but the hammer would not shift in its place.

She pulled with both hands, concentrating all her strength on pulling that hammer out of the mud. It would not budge.

"What are you doing?" said a voice softly.

Natasha silently swore in Russian. How silly of her to have let her guard down. Oh well, she could still deal with this.

She turned to face Coulson, who stood with his arms crossed, looking at her.

She motioned to the hammer. "Trying it on for size," she said casually.

"That sort of thing could get you in trouble, you know."

"You think so?" she said, smiling slightly, and secretly preparing for her surprise karate attack.

"Of course. You either get caught and interrogated, or you knock me out, escape, and SHIELD is your enemy again."

Natasha stared for half a moment. Then her face hardened and she smirked bitterly. "So this whole thing was just a trap? A simple piece of junk glued to the ground? A way to prove to SHIELD that I was still an enemy? And you even got Clint to help you out. Very clever."

"Of course it wasn't a trap. This is a government threat that we were investigating. And you just so happened to walk right into a security zone, knock out half a dozen guards, and generally make yourself look very suspicious. So now you only have two choices. What are you going to do?"

Natasha rolled her eyes to show how little she believed him. She heard the step of guards behind her, and put her hands behind her back. The cuffs clicked shut, and she was marched off towards the interrogation chamber.

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><p><em>Author's note: Hope you enjoyed it! Sorry it was so short! Please leave a review and keep an eye out for the next chapter!<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: Yup, this one is a whole lot longer. And for everyone who is wondering what Coulson said about Clint...sorry. I don't know. Natasha won't tell me. Anyways, please read and review._

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><p><strong>Chapter<strong> **2**

Tony Stark flipped through the radio channels in his new rental car. He wondered why on earth he had ever come to New Mexico in the first place. Nothing but sand, a couple dirty towns here and there, and absolutely nothing to do. What was more, his car, which had been sparklingly clean when he had picked it up the day before, was already covered in brown dust, the black sheen all but gone.

He made a mental note never to come to New Mexico again, even if he had had a quarrel with Pepper. Next time he would run away to California, or Florida, or somewhere pleasant like that. So what if it costed more...he was a billionaire, he could afford it. As long as Pepper wasn't around to spend it all, he had plenty of money.

And now that he thought about it, why not just kick Pepper out of the Stark Tower? It would be easy to program Jarvis not to let her in, and then she would never be able to find his secret stashes of Cadbury cream eggs and confiscate them, as she was in the habit of doing. Which made him remember that he had left a box of them in one of the kitchen cupboards, and it was sure to be gone by the time he got back.

The idea almost made him turn around and drive all the way back to New York.

Then the voice on the radio suddenly caught his attention.

Satellites falling to earth...huge hammer...nobody could lift...area now off limits..._and _heavily guarded...and only two miles from where Tony currently was. Sounded like the perfect vacation...

That night, two SHIELD agents strode across the crater site.

"Looks like rain," said one.

The other glanced up into the sky. "Yeah..." he began. "WHAT THE...!" he shouted suddenly. "What was that?!"

"What was what?" asked the first staring up into the sky, where the other was pointing.

"I don't know! Some big, yellow light flew past!"

"Probably just a shooting star," said the first, losing interest.

"Not on your life! It was much bigger! Huge! A big streak, and then it was gone!"

"Heat lightening?"

"$&*^$(%! It's not hot! IT"S FREEZING COLD!"

"Well, cold lightening, then."

"I'm telling you, Martin...that wasn't anything natural! It didn't look like anything you've ever seen!"

"Well," said Martin, gesturing dismissively, "better call it in, I guess."

Agent Coulson listened patiently to the garbled babble of the SHIELD agent. "Yeah, well, we'll keep an eye out for it," he said at last, and hung up.

He turned to Agent Hill with a smile on his face. "Stark's here," he said.

"Sir, are you sure he won't be able to lift it?"

"Of course he won't...he just had another temporary break up with Pepper."

"Sir, I fail to see how that's relevant."

Coulson only smiled. "Excuse me," he said, turning to the door. "I want to see this."

Stark flew down into the centre of the building, landing directly in front of Mjolnir. He was instantly disappointed. This little piece of stone was what he had been hearing about? A complete waste of time. Still, since he was here and had gone ahead and put on his suit and all, he might as well go ahead and pick it up for all these puny SHIELD agents.

He put his hand to it and pulled casually. He was surprised to find that the 'little piece of stone' didn't move in the slightest. Muttering under his breath, he put both hands to it and pulled until his muscles bulged under his metal suit. Still, the hammer would not budge from it's place.

"You know you're breaking the law by being here, don't you?" said a soft voice.

Tony spun around, looking this way and that. Finally, he looked up to see Coulson staring down at him from the second level.

"We have to interrogate the people who come down here after they were told not to, you know," went on Coulson.

"Well," said Stark, smirking under his helmet, "I guess you'll have to break your own rules today."

He flew up and escaped into the night.

Or he would have, if a ceiling hadn't suddenly appeared over his head. Instead, he flew up, hit his head on the ceiling rather hard (he remembered how Pepper used to tell him he shouldn't pick up speed quite so quickly), fell back to the ground stunned, and had the satisfaction of feeling several dozen SHIELD agents jump on him and start peeling off his suit.

"That's not how you remove it!" he cried, as soon as he had recovered his wits again. "You guys are going to break it!"

"Then I'm sure you can make another, better one," said Coulson, who had come down to the first level. Half of the SHIELD agents vacated Stark's back, taking his suit (which was now in quite a few more pieces than usual) with them. The others that were left, pulled him to his feet and marched him off.

They threw him into a white room with several mirrors and a certain female assassin in it, and strapped him to a chair. Then they left.

"So...you've come to join the club?" asked Natasha, who was strapped to another chair beside him.

"Two isn't exactly a club," said Tony.

"But I don't think there's only going to be two of us for long," she said, smiling knowingly.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Yay! The chapter I (and maybe you) have been waiting for! I love Clintasha fluff. :) And mean Coulson is so much fun to play with. And Hill get's another cameo! (I like Hill...the first time I watched Avengers, I was so mad at Natasha for stealing the show.) _

_This picks up exactly where the last chapter left off. If you're confused as to what exactly is happening, go back and read the last few sentences of Chapter 2._

_Thanks to all you awesome reviewers! Enjoy, everyone!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

Tony looked at Natasha in bewilderment.

Suddenly, Natasha started screaming and thumping the legs of her chair on the ground.

"What's wrong?" cried Stark. "What happened? Are you all right?"

Natasha continued to shriek as though she hadn't heard him.

"Natasha! Are you okay? What's going on?" His voice dropped to a fearful whisper. "Did...did...did a _spider_ bite you?"

The door opened and Agent Barton ran in and dropped to his knees by Natasha's chair.

"Sweetheart..." he panted, "are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"Who? Me?" cried Tony.

"Oh, Clint!" sobbed Natasha. "I'm _dying_ in here! I can't take it any longer! You have to make Coulson let me out of here!"

"But, Nat..." said Barton, "I can't! Coulson doesn't listen to me..."

"You don't love me!" said Natasha, ceasing her wails and fixing him with a haughty glare. "I should have known it! All right, very well. Clint, we're through!"

"No! Natasha!" cried Clint in horror. "I love you! But Coulson never pays any attention to me!"

"If you really loved me,' said Natasha, "you would steal that nice, fancy hammer for me."

"But...!" exclaimed Clint.

"You won't? Very well. I told you you didn't love me."

"But I do love you!"

Natasha continued as though she hadn't heard him. "If you don't get me that hammer, we're through. Forever."

"Why would you want that silly hammer?" pleaded Clint.

"Coulson doesn't want anyone to take it, so I want someone to. It's time someone showed that evil tyrant that he can't always have things his own way."

"Dearest," said Clint carefully, "I love you, but I don't see why you want a silly hammer."

"Very well. That's that then. Clint...it's over!"

"No! Natasha!"

"Yes, Clint. If you don't love me enough to do a simple little task for me, I will have nothing more to do with you."

"No! Wait! I'll do whatever you say!"

"Even steal that hammer?" asked Natasha, fixing him with a piercing stare.

Clint gulped. "Yes," he whispered hoarsely.

"Then go do it!"

"So we're still friends?" asked Clint, anxiously.

"I'll decide that when you come back with the hammer. Now, go get it for me!"

Clint left, his head hanging like a kicked dog.

Tony stared at Natasha.

"He won't be able to lift it," he said doubtfully.

"I know," said Natasha, with an odd smile.

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><p>Clint crept quietly through the make shift building. Had Natasha gone mad? No...more likely she wanted to make him pay for not being able to take her out to that fancy restaurant last Saturday. Well, it wasn't his fault Coulson had decided that he had to work during the weekend! Or maybe (horror of horrors!) she thought he had been in league with Coulson to capture her! The thought almost made him run back to the interrogation room to clear his name, but he remembered just in time that Natasha wouldn't believe him. She probably wouldn't even listen to him. Not unless he brought her that nice, fancy hammer.<p>

He reached the hammer before long, and had no trouble knocking out the gaurds. (SHIELD was beginning to run low on agents to act as guards, by this time.) He approached Mjolnir cautiously, wondering what could make this alien object so hard to lift.

He set his hand to the handle.

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><p>Coulson looked up as Agent Hill strode into the room.<p>

"Sir," she said, looking a little nervous, "we have a new development."

"Is he here?" Coulson stood up with a gleam in his eye.

Maria shook her head. "No, sir...it's Clint."

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><p>Clint set his hand to the handle.<p>

He pulled.

Nothing happened.

The hammer did not feel heavy. It did not drag him down with it's weight. It felt as if it was glued to the ground. It was more like trying to pull the back of a chair off than trying to lift a car off the ground. If there was any way to pick it up, it was only by breaking either it or the ground. But neither the hammer nor the ground would break.

He stood back to catch his breath, and stared at Mjolnir in disbelief. There was no way he was going to be able to pick it up. Had Natasha seriously thought he would be able to?

Suddenly, realization hit him and everything made sense. How could he have been so stupid?

Natasha had known he wouldn't be able to lift it. She hadn't been able to lift it. Stark hadn't been able to lift it. She had known that no one could lift it. Definitely not Clint, who didn't have a high tech super suit. Not Clint, whom she had always considered inferior to herself. She had known he would fail, as she and Stark had failed. She had known...

Clint spun around and looked upwards. Sure enough, there was Coulson, leaning on the railing of the second level.

"What are you doing?" asked Coulson quietly.

To Clint, his voice sounded mocking...as though he was glorying in his defeat.

"You know well enough," said Clint, with a shrug.

"It's against the law to try to steal government property," said Coulson.

"Tell me something I don't know," replied Clint. "Just get this over with."

Coulson nodded. Several SHIELD agents appeared out of nowhere and marched him off towards the interrogation chamber.

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><p>"Do you want to play 'I Spy'?" asked Stark.<p>

He and Natasha were sitting in the interrogation chamber, where they had been sitting practically all night (all night since they had tried to steal that stupid hammer, at least), and he was bored to death.

"No, thanks," replied Natasha.

"How about, 'Virtual Hide and Seek'?"

"No."

"'I'm Thinking of an Animal'?"

"No."

Stark gave up. Instead, he made faces at himself in the mirror.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Clint was marched in. The SHIELD agents tied him to a chair and left.

"You couldn't lift it?" asked Tony.

Clint said nothing. He silently stared straight ahead, and steadfastly refused to look at Natasha.

Natasha smiled.

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><p><em>Author's Note: *SPOILER ALERT* If you don't like spoilers, skip the next paragraph. If you are considering not reading this story any more because you're mad at me for putting an end to Clint and Natasha's relationship, READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH!<em>

_The story doesn't end here (of course). Clint and Natasha will make up and get back together again...I promise! Just not for a couple more chapters. So don't give up on me. Of course they can't get along together all the time, but they can't get along too well without each other, either. :)_

_Anyways, PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: No, I did NOT give up on this fic, though it may have looked like it. I am GOING to finish it before Age of Ultron comes out. You have my permission to hold me to that promise. Anyway, here you go._

Chapter 4

Banner was a scientist, heart, mind, and body. He was a very clever scientist, too. And he just so happened to be in New Mexico, with a radio tuned to the news station. More than that, he just happened to be very bored.

He also didn't happen to like the Feds. So when the news came on that a satellite had landed five miles away, as it happened, that no one had been able to pick it up, and that the Feds had blocked off the area, he decided he might as well have some fun.

20 minutes later found him at the crater site. He had been planning on cutting the wire, and had even brought wire cutters, but he was surprised to find that there was already a man-sized hole near the ground...perfect for him to squeeze through.

He fell to his stomach and wriggled through, then crept across the darkness of the crater site towards the white tubing that was the construction zone.

"Intruder alert," said Agent Hill over Coulson's bluetooth. "Shall I put an agent on it?" Normally she would have done so without a second thought and asked afterwards, but Coulson had been acting weird about security just lately.

"No," said Coulson, justifying her hesitation. "Just keep an eye on him. And put eyes up high with a gun."

"You detained Agent Barton," Hill reminded him.

"Another Agent will do," replied Coulson, making his way to the platform from which he could see the 'satellite'.

Meanwhile Bruce made his way through the tubing, wondering why he hadn't encountered a living soul so far. The white tubing suddenly opened up, and he found himself facing a huge crater with a lump of mud in the middle with a hammer on top.

Banner smiled. Just as he thought.

He walked up to it and experimentally tugged at the handle. It didn't budge.

Not a problem, thought Banner. He opened his handy dandy science kit that he had brought along for just such a case as this.

From far above, Coulson watched in amazement as Dr. Banner, arrayed in gloves and goggles, began applying liquid solutions to the dirt beneath the hammer. The soil began to dissolve and crumble away bit by bit.

"I need some Agents at the hammer right now," Coulson whispered into his bluetooth.

Half a dozen agents rushed in and prepared to collar the intruder. Bruce jumped to his feet and held out a small bottle.

"This is highly dangerous acid!" he cried, holding it in a defensive position. "If it touches you, it will be extremely painful. Don't come a step closer."

The agents hesitated, and glanced questioningly at each other. Coulson decided it was time to make his presence known.

"Stand down, Dr. Banner!" he called, snatching a convenient megaphone. "Stand down! I am Agent Coulson of SHIELD, and I know everything about you. You don't want this to get messy."

All the air seemed to go out of Bruce's balloon. He hesitated, then set down the acid and raised his hands.

"Take him to the detention level," said Coulson smugly.

The door opened of the interrogation chamber opened and two agents marched Bruce Banner in.

"Oh my goodness," gasped Tony in an undertone to Natasha, "is that the Hulk?"

Natasha didn't answer. She had gone bright white and was shaking visibly.

"What happens if he gets angry in here?" Barton asked the agents as they turned to leave, his voice a bit uneven.

Bruce only cast them all a condescending glance.

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><p><em>Author's Note: Oh no! Will the Hulk smash? Will our favourite team perish in the interrogation chamber? Will anyone EVER pick up the hammer? Did I just offend you by insinuating that all your favourite characters aren't worthy? Find out next time!<em>


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Sorry if this chapter is short and stupid. I was in a hurry, pressed way too close to the deadline._

Chapter 5

Agent Maria Hill hurried through the construction site to the far entrance where the alert had come from. Sure enough, there was a tall man in a ragged spangley outfit with the last SHIELD agent on base.

"Captain Rogers, reporting for duty, ma'am," he said.

Well this was unexpected. "Duty?" stammered Hill.

"I hear you need someone to lift a hammer. I don't know if I'm the man for the job or not, but I'm willing to give it a try."

"Um…" said Hill, making a snap decision. "Okay. Come with me." Apparently this was what Coulson wanted these freaks to do, anyway.

She led him to the center of the construction site and stood back with folded arms as he approached the huge hammer. He sucked in a few deep breaths and set his hand to the wooden handle.

He tugged, and the hammer lifted easily off the ground. Hill's mouth fell open. So did Cap's.

"I did it…" he murmured, staring at the hammer in his hand. "I did it!" he shouted again, raising it high in the air.

In a small town in New Mexico, a giant metal destroyer gave a blonde, hulking homeless guy the backhand and sent him flying.

In a yellow lazer protected bed in Azgard, Odin, the Allfather, frowned in his sleep. His son was almost dead, and some dude in a cheesy outfit was holding his hammer. Guess he was going to have to do something after all.

Without any warning, the hammer flew out of Cap's fist, making a bright white arc over the New Mexican desert.

"What…" said everyone in a radius of ten miles.

"What…" said the four prisoners in the interrogation room as the wind gusts tore the roof off and the falling debris cut through the ropes that held them.

"Aw, yiss," cried Stark, as Jarvis deployed and his suit put itself together around him.

"What? How?" began Natasha. "Clint, did you do that?"

"What? I mean, yeah. Of course. Haha." He grinned cheesily. "Leave it to old Clint."

"My hero!" cried Natasha, running to him and hugging him. "Now let's get out of here before the Big Guy blows up."

Stark had already blasted away in a red and gold glory. The last SHIELD agent on base suddenly came bursting through the door to check that the prisoners were secure, only to be knocked out by Natasha. She and Clint hurried out together, Banner close on their heels, stopping only to retrieve his science kit.

In a small town in New Mexico, Phil Coulson's voice could be heard shouting, "Wait! We need to debrief yooooooooooou!"

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><p><em>Author's Note: Sorry I'm late...again. My internet went down last night and didn't come on til now.<em>

_Let me say that I had this chapter in mind for this story (and this story) LONG before I ever saw or heard of the Age of Ultron trailer/teaser trailer. If you don't believe me, ask ccgaylord. She knows. That to say, this was my own original mind that came up with this, and Joss Whedon just stole my idea. :P_


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